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Carol (Julie Bowen) asks an eager Ed (Tom Cavanagh) to coach the high school "Quizbowl" team of outstanding students in hopes of inspiring a promising disadvantaged student (guest star James Ransone) -- but both are shocked when Principal Dennis (John Slattery) nixes the notion of including such an inferior pupil among the competitors. Elsewhere, Warren (Justin Long) begins "auditioning" clerics from a variety of faiths to help him choose the best religion while Phil (Michael Ian Black) fancies himself as a boxing promoter with Stuckeybowl as the squared circle.
Carol and Dennis`s relationship continues to deepen and they decide to move in together. Carol thinks that Dennis`s recent personality change is attributable to the stress related to that decision. Ed and Mike discover that Dennis has actually taken up drinking again.
Warren decides to find a religion he likes after attending a shabbat service at Diane`s. He interviews several religious men, and finally hits on Reverend Isaac, a Baptist minister, who shows him that religion isn`t the answer, it`s a path to finding the answer. Warren takes Diane to a service at Rev. Isaac`s church and kisses her when imbued with the power of the person.
Phil decides to become a big fight promoter, a la Don King. He finds two dockworkers to become the Irish Prince and Deadly Roy, his two fighters. The fight draws a crowd after a scene in a restaurant sets up the rivalry, but the poor quality of fighting leads to a conclusion in front of a nearly empty house.
Carol asks Ed to coach the Quizball team, recalling that Ed was once Quizball champion. He agrees and also agrees to assist one student, Gary Morton, who is struggling academically and socially. Dennis fields a bunch of calls and demands Ed take Gary off the team. In the end, however, Dennis lets him play.
"Reeling In The Years" - Steely Dan
Background song at The Goat while Dennis tells his Roy Orbison story to the gang.
"Talking In Your Sleep" - The Romantics
Stuckeybowl background music when Ed tells Carol that he`s not pleased with Dennis` recent behavior.
Ten Bucks
Ed bets Mike ten bucks to go up to a patron in the Goat and ask for his autograph, pretending to believe the patron`s Kenny Rogers. The many finally acquiesces after being unable to "convince" Mike that he`s not Kenny Rogers.
Stubbs Schemes
Phil decides to promote a big fight in Stuckeyville, transforming himself into a Don King-like personality. He finds 2 dock workers, Roy and Carl, to become his boxing champs and gives them personas; Roy becomes Deadly Roy, the "good guy"; Carl becomes "The Irish Prince", a Russian born bred-for-boxing machine. He hypes the Phil Stubbs Weekly Boxing Series and draws a crowd at Stuckeybowl for the fight, where Roy and Carl`s lack of boxing experience is painfully evident. Phil is left with an empty house.
Fine Food and Drink
Dennis cooks Carol an omelette made of 7 eggs. Warren insists the rabbi have a cran-grape. Molly, Mike, Ed, and Nancy share their baked clams with Dennis. Roy claims his weight was gained by eating salted nuts. Ed and Gary share pizza and milkshakes. Roy wants to finish his tuna melt before getting in a shouting match with Carl. Ed tells Carol Dennis is an ass and offers her a french fry. Dennis admits his weekness for fine imported scotch.
Nicknames
Ed dubs himself "Da Quizman." Gary`s stepfather calls him Captain Screwup.
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"Kiss my Quiztastic ass!"
- Ed Stevens (in a pique of Quizbowl-induced ecstasy)
"I have led a godless life."
- Warren Cheswick (on his decision to go on a spiritual quest)
"Playing hard to get, nice...very svelte..."
- Warren Cheswick (when the rabbi will not try to convince him to become Jewish)
"I'm not really here to confess. Just taking the booth for a test drive."
- Warren Cheswick (seeing what the Catholics have to offer)
"Tell them you won't sign with anyone till they get you in a room with God himself."
- Mark Vanacore (giving Warren advice on how to find a church)
"When you meet with the Lord, can you tell him I got a little screwed over here?!"
- Mark Vanacore (as Warren goes off to find religion)
"Gary Morton has the thinking capacity of a tube sock."
- Dennis Martino (demanding Ed remove Gary from the team)
"Let me cut to the chase: your boyfriend's an ass. Fry?"
- Ed Stevens (responding to his encounter with Dennis when Carol tries to smooth things over)
"Ed, you are so good. You are so so good. Isn't he so good?"
- Dennis Martino (drunk, when Ed helps him home)
"Dennis, listen to me. You and I are not buddies. You and I will never be buddies."
- Ed Stevens (to a drunk Dennis)
"Last time I mentioned this girl, your face popped out like a blowfish."
- Reverend Isaac (advising Warren on what`s really bothering him)
"You have no way of knowing this, but I am usually very, very cool."
- Warren Cheswick (to Reverend Isaac)
Kenny Rogers
Don King
Ving Rames
Albert Einstein
Andrew Jackson ("Old Hickory")
Yentl
"One Day at a Time" (Bonnie Franklin)
George Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson
Zales
Roy Orbison
"Rocky IV"
Howie Mandell
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
Crossing Over
Clint Eastwood
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